“Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is Godliness and God is empty, just like me” Monday
10 March 2008
There are some days when I can do little more than get out of bed. The mere idea of being awake is enough to overwhelm me, and I just can’t wait until the time when I can be asleep again.
I’ve been an insomniac since I was 16… In fact, I don’t remember sleeping well before that, I think that I just noticed it then, because that was the year my dad moved out and my mom went back to school and the house was so quiet.
Lately there have been things roaming around in my subconscious that are preventing even the insane medications I’ve been prescribed from letting me sleep more than four hours every few days. I sit around awake and tired all night. I sit around awake and tired all day. I have very real things I could be getting done, but most of them involve some form of human interaction, and I just don’t do well with that.
I’ve been thinking a lot about random acts of violence in the last few days. Thinking about these murders has had a great deal to do with that, I’m sure… but beyond that, I’m thinking of my own desire to commit random acts of violence. Sometimes I feel like my skin is too small for all of the anger that’s inside of me, and if I don’t slam something into the wall, or better yet, tear the entire goddamn wall down, I’ll probably explode. Sometimes my anger is directed at people, but not usually… Usually when I’m angry with people I want to kick inanimate objects until those objects TRULY understand how pissed off I am. Like the vacuum cleaner, or my bathroom door. They REALLY need to know that I am angry, goddamnit. That I am unable to control the world around me, that I’m unable to control the world inside my house, or even the world inside of my head. Evidenced by the fact that I’m not sleeping. Evidenced by the fact that I’m fake!emoting. Evidenced by every single thing that’s outwardly visible to any random person who might come into contact with me.
I have a post in response to Democrat1’s comment from yesterday that I fully intend on writing, but today… I’m just so angry. I suppose I could take it as one of the stages of grief, and it is… I just feel like my entire life is a continuous circle of grief. A carousel of grief and I can’t get off and I can’t get the fucking brass ring, either. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Skip the Acceptance. Later, rinse, repeat. My life is a Kübler-Ross model and I hate it. I hate it so much I want to kick my bathtub.
There are things that need to be done…there are things that need to be done. There are things that need to be done.
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression.
Acceptance, please? I’m ready any time You are.